Stories I tell myself

3 or 4 years ago, I met this guy on Tinder. But the thing is, I never actually met him. Every time we would arrange a time and a day, something would come up. I lived 8 hours away from him at the time, and he says he works in cyber security but who actually knows? Like I said we have only spoken online.

I’m going to tell you the story, from the beginning. It is going to make me sound like a fucking moron, which when it comes to this, I am. Well more that I don’t know how to let go. Anyway, here it is. He has disappointed me again, so I need to talk to someone and I can’t bother my friends about him again.

Like I said, we matched on Tinder. I was visiting his area at the time but leaving fairly soon after. We spoke everyday for almost a month, but then over Christmas, he didn’t speak to me for a week. Oh well, I can move on. I unfriended him on Snapchat and moved on with my life. Until a week later, he added me again on a different account. That should have been red flag #1. Which it was, but in my head I thought oh my god, he cares enough to come after me. So, like a moron I kept talking to him.

We developed a friendship, with online benefits. He was kind and thoughtful and helped me to feel good about myself. And he helped me to discover my kinks, with the help of my newly rediscovered love of reading. He was so confident in himself, and told me stories of his exploits and I lapped it up. I needed these stories. I lived for the idea that this guy, this attractive man who could sleep with whoever he wanted found me attractive enough to sext with me and teach me about myself. God even writing this I can feel how stupid I am for going through this.

This pattern continued for the next 3 years. We sext, I break it off because I’m catching feelings, we become friends and he helps me with my dating life, it inevitably fails with the person I am seeing and we start sexting again. Over and over. for 3 years. Here is the worst part. I have only seen a photo of his face once, maybe twice. He follows me on Instagram, but his profile is literally one silhouette and he follows all these girls and a couple of guys. Again, I know how stupid this is. But I am so lonely, I find it so hard to let go of someone who is giving me attention. Making me think that I matter.

Now, we come to the last few months. We started sexting again and had an actual plan to meet up. I was in the city he live in, and we had actual concrete plans or so I thought. He didn’t message me, the whole time I was there. I messaged him a few times before I left. I got no response. When I left my heart was broken, this person who I had spent the last 2 years making a big part of my life had just disappeared on me. And fuck it hurt. Hell, I half convinced myself he was dead because how could this person I loved just leave me.

I just want to clarify something here, when I say loved, I don’t mean romantically. I do love him, but as a friend. I mean this stranger on the internet became my constant for the most part. My confidante. The person who knows all my secrets.

Anyway, after a month he came back like he always did. This time though, he told me he’d had a medical issue. Okay, I’m glad you are okay and alive. I told him he hurt me not talking to me for a month when we had plans that I thought we were excited for. Things started again, platonically at first but like always I got tempted and it became sexual again. I stupidly let myself think, it’s different this time. He had a good excuse. And then we made another plan. To meet the weekend before I went overseas. He was going to come to a town closer to me. But you know what happened. The pattern continued. This time, he didn’t talk to me for months.

In those months, I went overseas and had an amazing time. I learnt about myself and what I needed and came back ready to finish the year. Then I had to find a new job. And move. I didn’t have my friend there to listen to me. To give me support and advice. I missed him, but time moves on. I got to the point where I accepted I didn’t matter to him. But I had friends where I lived who loved me and supported me and showed me what it means to be a friend.

A few weeks ago, he came back. I was going to be stronger this time, I promised myself. But he said he’d had another medical incident. I couldn’t leave him if that had happened.

I live in the same place as him now. I don’t know anyone else and I’m feeling really lonely. I watched a TV show that made me so excited, I wanted to share it with someone. I told him about it and he seemed to be into watching it with me, but he went away for work.

I asked him about this weekend yesterday. He said he’s had a bad health week but he would let me know today if Sunday worked. I haven’t heard from him.

Not for the first time, I am thinking he uses me to get himself off when he has no one else. It feels like the only thing I can give him is a submissive who will give him what he needs, without considering what I need. Fuck, I don’t know.

I told him that if this time doesn’t work, then I’m not trying anymore. He can try. If he puts in that effort? Great if not well we stay online until I get strong enough to let go forever.

I really wish I could tell you that if he does message me and says he’s sorry but he can’t do anything tomorrow that I’ll let go. That I’ll be strong and realise this isn’t good for me. But, I know that when he does message again, I’ll be here waiting. Like a fucking idiot. Waiting for the last time my friend breaks my fucking heart and I am destroyed.

FYI: My other friends hate him, well the idea of him anyway. They think I deserve better. I don’t know, maybe I’m not meant for any of this love stuff. Maybe I am the quiet side character, who watches the people she loves find their loves and accepts that as her path in life.