Stories I tell myself

I ended the friendship. I know it is for the best. I know that I need to move forward and find someone who actually wants to be in my life. But fuck I miss him. I don’t even think it’s him I miss, I think it’s the feeling he gave me. That feeling of being wanted. Cared about. Even if it was fake. I am just so tired of being alone. I keep deleting, then redownloading Snapchat just to see if he does add me back or whatever (he deleted me as a friend). Why am I not enough to fight for. All I want is someone to fight for me. To want me and keep wanting me. I know that sounds desperate, I know I should be enough for myself and I am getting there. But I can’t keep doing this. Putting myself out there and getting nothing in return is really starting to hurt. I don’t want to be this person.

I read a new book today. It was about an influencer with ADHD and her journey of being cancelled so she hides out at a farm in the Scottish Highlands with 3 hot shepherd’s. It was a romance, so obviously they all fell in love with her. I do love that part. I love when the girl gets the love she needs and deserves. But the part that stuck with me this time was the struggle she goes through with her ADHD. I felt seen when I read it. The people pleasing, the need to stop and take a break before burning out but not giving time to do that. The fear of letting everyone down and being left alone. I feel that. All the time. The men in her book adore her, and help her without judgement and take care of her. I am jealous of that. I want someone to take care of me. I want to take care of someone. Ugh I don’t even know.

I feel like I am too much. Like yea, I’m adaptable and I seem to make friends easily enough but I don’t keep them. If I can’t keep them how am I supposed to maintain a relationship romantically? Fuck that. I can’t even keep a conversation going with a guy long enough to even go and meet them. Outside of hooking up, if I do that. I need to stop hating myself. How I look, how I act. Maybe when I can feel more authentically me then I will find someone?

Finding love should not be my motivation. I just feel lonely. I need to deal with that loneliness. Because I am not alone. I have people who love me. Who check on me. Who miss me.

I’m watching Heated Rivalry again, and thinking about the book series. I know what I need, I just need to love myself enough to go and find it.

If you read my rambling, thanks. I’m not going to edit any of my posts. It’s just going to be my unfiltered thoughts sometimes. I won’t apologise, but hopefully writing like this helps me clear my mind.