Stories I tell myself

I turned 30 two weeks ago. Whoo! New stage in life, I’ve been told that your 30s is when you really find yourself, so lets give that a go.

Anyway, I turned 30 and the only person to actually call me was my 84 year old Nanna, who was about to go through the first anniversary of her partners death after being together for 50 years. Mum and Dad both sent me a message, in the family group chat. Nothing big. Just Happy Birthday Kaity. Dad though in a message said “look to your emails, your present will come through there,”. Mum said she’d send money on Wednesday. That was it. The people who created me put that much thought into their oldest child turning 30, knowing I was doing it in a place I have only been in for 7 weeks so haven’t had time to make major connections to yet. I’ve started working on that, at least at work.

I’ll give Dad credit where it’s due though, his voucher was actually thoughtful. He got me a voucher for Hoyts cinema, knowing I love to go to the movies. The message was sweet. “For you and maybe some new friends to enjoy. Don’t forget there is more to life than work.” He may not have called, but he showed he thought about me.

Not that it’s about the money, but Mum never sent it through. I’ve checked. A lot over the last 2 weeks. It isn’t the fact that the money didn’t come in, I’m actually a little hurt that she was only going to send through money. But the fact she didn’t even do that really hurts. Yeah, I am an adult and I’ve been living on my own for 7 years. But it was my birthday you know, the one day a year I want them to think of me and put in a little effort. And she didn’t, hasn’t. I don’t think I will bring it up with her, she may not even remember that she hadn’t sent it through. She’s busy living her new life, I just might not be a part of that. Which sucks, she was my person for so long and now I dunno, I feel like I can’t talk to her about what I am really feeling.

My Nanna called me though. She called me at 7.30 because she didn’t want to disturb me getting ready for work. I was already driving to work, thank goodness for phone technology, but the point is she just wanted to acknowledge it. My birthday. We haven’t been as close in the last few years for many reasons, but I love my Nanna. She still puts me as a priority on my birthday. I don’t know if my parents did. They are instigating conversations less and less.

The thing that really gets me, is people who only met me 7 weeks beforehand and put more effort into my birthday than my parents did. They decorated my work space with streamers and balloons and Happy Birthday signs and got me a cake. The people who raised me, spent the first 23 years of my life helping me become the person I am, put in slightly more effort than the people I have had on my social media accounts since I was a teenager. People I no longer speak to because I am in a different place in life and well we were never close to begin with.

Logically, I know that I deserve to have people do kind things for me, like what my colleagues did for my birthday. But when my own parents are putting in less effort, what does that really say about me? Practical strangers used their own time, to make me feel good because they knew I’d be alone. My parents barely acknowledged it. My brother didn’t acknowledge it at all, but I’m not surprised it’s not the first time and certainly won’t be the last. That doesn’t matter. My parents love is what is supposed to matter right?

I believe in astrology and tarot and the spirits, I know not everyone does but I think it is important for my journey. This year is supposed to be a year of love for me, but how do I do that while figuring out why my parents have kinda dropped me off their radar. Or maybe I’m being dramatic, that is always possible.

Anyway, as always, if you read this and it resonates with you, I hope you know that you aren’t alone. I get it. I know I’m not alone either. My trauma isn’t the same as other peoples, but it’s still mine and I need to continue to work towards healing for myself and my future. I hope you are able to find your healing journey, not matter what it is. I deserve good things. I just need to let myself find them and keep them as long as possible. Find your happiness, I’m working on mine.