Stories I tell myself

On Monday, I am taking a Mental Health Day. I feel guilty about it, but I know that I need it.

For the last week, I have been stuck. I can’t get out of my own head and I am being completely horrible about taking care of myself. I just feel so alone, which I know technically I am not alone because I have people who love me, but I am by myself all the time outside of work. I like my job, and I’ve started making friends with the people I work with, I think, but after school and on the weekends and in the holidays that are coming up I know that I will spend days without talking to someone because I don’t want to bother them. These thoughts have started affecting my duties at work, because I feel down and out, I am easier to irritate and working with Neurodivergent kids? That doesn’t work.

I thought it would be easier, living in the city. There are more options for me to do and participate in, but I am too scared to try. Then I thought working with a smaller group would also make it easier for me to maintain balance, and keep my head above the water. 0 for 2 so far I guess. Anyway, I tried to keep myself together and level headed and not let the darkness in. That never works, you would think after battling depression for 15 years I would know that the only thing I can do to fight it, other than make sure I take my medication, is admit it and tell someone I need help. So, I told my best friend, who, from 800km away asked me all the right questions. Not once did she ask “Are you Okay?” She asked about my sleep, my medication, if I was eating and if I was going to talk to a professional. Fuck I love her. I hate that we live so far apart now and I can’t see her when I get like this, but she is always just a message away, even with a 5 month old baby and a life of her own. I know that she will contact me as soon as she can.

I also talked to my boss, she’d already noticed I was acting different. I mentioned that I might need to take a mental health day and she was immediately on board, asking me when I thought would be best, and wouldn’t let me talk myself out of it, even with the public holidays coming up. She also made sure I knew I could contact the EAP, I don’t know if I will yet, I can for personal issues, but I hate telling my life story to a professional everytime. I know it’s their job, but I’m not entirely convinced my issues are even real, what if I am making them up? I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.

Luckily, Monday is a day for 2 teachers in my class anyway so my co-teacher is going to run most of the day and have the TRT support and maybe take her usual lessons as well. I am lucky to be so supported.

I feel bad for leaving my students, but I can’t put them first. I hate saying that, but if I am not my best self, I am useless to them. They won’t learn from someone who is exhausted, frustrated, who can’t cope with their social needs because I am also overwhelmed. Taking Monday off is something small I can do. It’s the first step in letting myself feel okay.

As always, thank you for reading. Reach out if you need to talk about anything, I am a good listener. And hey, if you have a book club that focuses on romance books in the Adelaide area, let me know? I need to make some friends.