Stories I tell myself

I disappeared, but that’s okay. I remembered today and I have a topic in mind to talk about so hello again.

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago to talk to him about my ADHD medication and we kinda veered off into other topics, he’s a good doctor, but some of the things he said have been stuck in my mind.

First, he referred me to a psychologist. I needed one so that’s not an issue. It is a little funny that he referred me to his son, but when I had my appointment the psychologist seemed nice and listened to me trauma dump, well to the tip of my iceberg anyway. He didn’t judge me or try to correct me so that’s a bonus. I see him again on Friday, hopefully it continues to go okay.

Anyway, the doctor was talking to me about my overall health which I already know sucks. I can’t eat fruits and vegetables because of the unpredictable nature of the taste and textures and well I have trust issues, can you tell? Anyway, I was telling him about my dietitian so that he knew I was actively trying to do something about my health and he suggested weight loss medication.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t judge ANYONE who has taken or is taking weight loss medication. But I had only just become comfortable with how my body looks. Sorta. I mean, I accepted that I am fat and that doesn’t impact my worth and beauty, sometimes I just need a reminder that I am worth more than I think I am. And because of my food issues, and issues around leaving the house and being seen and noticed when trying to do something for my health (stupid, I know but my brain sucks.)

I want to be healthy (I’m still practising not saying skinny). I swear I do. I want to take the dog for long walks without getting bored, I want to go to the gym and start strength training again (I did it for about a year, before my friends partner who was my trainer started cheating on her and going to the gym started feeling icky). I hate that it’s so hard for me to do these things and yes I will probably add all this to the list of things to tell the new psychologist so he can file it under “Reasons Kaity thinks she sucks”. I wonder if that’ll be his focus or my penchant for emotionally unavailable men. This is probably why he wants to see me weekly.

Anyway, should I try the medication? I’m worried without food noise I won’t eat. Or the fat I lose won’t turn into muscle and I will get sicker. I need someone to be accountable to, that’s what worked before I moved, someone counting on me or expecting me to show up. I care more about what other people think of me than what I think of myself, especially when it comes to planning and making decisions outside of work.

Oh, and I can’t remember if I told you guys, but I stopped dating again. I figure I need to stop fucking any guy who shows the slightest amount of interest. Funnily enough, 8 weeks after I made the decision my horoscope reminded me I don’t have to sleep with everyone who wants to sleep with me. The most annoying part about this is I killed my two favourite vibrators and now I need to get new ones again. I really need to stop getting cheap ones. If anyone reading this has any recommendations for good clit suckers, let me know.

I hope you are happy and smiling, you are amazing at being you x