I think.
I have tried so many different things when it comes to exercise and I can’t quite find the one that fits. So I thought that I would try going back to a personal trainer. Why must they all be so fit and pretty though? I mean obviously they are going to be fit, but I am too scared to go and have them judge me. I found one who seems nice, and the gym is affordable, but what if I can’t do what she wants me too because I can’t diet because my ARFID is a fucking bitch and fruits and vegetables and anything else that either has too much flavour, or is the wrong texture or isn’t consistent will set me on edge.
I want to tell myself I don’t care about being skinny, I care about my health and when I talk to my psych on Friday I will discuss all this with him and he will be all supportive and shit and so will my dietitian but I don’t want to fail anyone else like I am my dietitian. I have been seeing her for over a year and have made almost no progress, and she is so kind about it, like she is amazing and yes I now eat 3 meals almost everyday and have started eating in front of people but I still can’t eat healthy. And being skinny includes eating healthy. And if I can’t do that, what is the point of going to the gym.
Throw in my complete and utter lack of, not motivation, but drive I guess to actually do the things I want to gets me stuck and I end up going in circles. I am sick of circles.
I guess today I just wanted to complain, nothing poignant or important, just an incessant need to be more and do more and be better but having a brain the struggles to let me actually do that.
Oh well, it’s school holidays, so at least I have time to stew over my failures.
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