Stories I tell myself

Fuck you for making me question myself. It has been 4 months since I told you that I couldn’t let you keep using me and you disappeared. Opened the message and didn’t fight for me. Just moved on and let me grieve you and the friendship and strength I thought you gave me. Turns out, you just nudged the gate open while I let myself out slowly. But why the fuck did you request to follow me now? I finally felt like I was growing, I’ve been doing things that makes me happy but also scared and now I keep checking my phone. Did you also request to message me? Are you trying to contact me on other social media accounts? Of course you aren’t, asshole. You are still fucking playing me and I am still so fucking tempted to let you. To accept that follow request, to see what you want and why now. But I also know it will set me backwards and undo everything I have been doing to push myself forward, to be stronger, to love myself without needing outside fucking validation from men like you. I hate that I don’t fucking hate you or even dislike you as I should. I miss my friend. I wish we could have been friends face to face and hung out and maybe you could’ve given me the physical contact I need but don’t get. Not even sex, hugs and cuddles. Normal shit. I am going to talk to my psychologist tomorrow. Hopefully he helps me remember that I have the strength to delete the request and move forward. Ugh I haven’t even spoken to you and you have my head all fucked up. Go fuck yourself. If you can’t be straight forward and honest with me, then just leave me alone. Also, I can’t believe I didn’t realise how sketchy the whole this was. You have 13 followers, all of them female and only one picture on your grid. There is social media privacy and then there is dodgy fucker. I’m better than this. I am smarter than this. You fucking suck dude. But I can’t help but be curious, why do you keep coming back, and why are you back now?